Monday, 31 December 2012

On the Seventh Day of Christmas

...Jessie gave to you,
Seven soldiers
Six packs of longlife milk
Five golden bullets,
Four calling devices
Three french rifles,
Two crazy zombie fighters,
And a warning that human kind will soon be through.

(and an apology for failing to keep up with this)

Thursday, 27 December 2012

On the Third Day of Christmas

...Jessie gave to you,
Three french rifles,
Two crazy zombie fighters,
And a warning that human kind will soon be through.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

On the Second Day of Christmas...

...Jessie gives to you,
Two crazy zombie fighters
And a warning that human kind will soon be through.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Thursday, 13 December 2012

End of the World (21st December)

Some say that the Mayans knew when the end of the world would be, some say they couldn't be bothered to create the calender past the 21st because you have to stop at some point. Personally I think it's because they knew that people wouldn't care about calenders when they had a lot on there minds, including FIGHTING ZOMBIES. 
I found this on Wikipedia: 'A New Age interpretation of this transition is that the date marks the start of time in which Earth and its inhabitants may undergo a physical or spiritual transformation, and that 21 December 2012 may mark the beginning of a new era.' This clearly means the zombie apocalypse. 

So I've devised a list, for those of us who are care about surviving, of 21 things to remember: 
1) Supplies, make getting food a priority
2) Low profile, don't use a gun in a wood, you'll be attracting zombies like bees to honey
3) High sights, if you stay up high you can keep an eye on your surroundings and it will make you harder to get to 
4) Strangers can be as dangerous as stray zombies, beware
5) Don't sacrifice yourself for anyone who wouldn't do the same for you, know who your friends are
6) Counsel each other, what you see and do in these dark days cannot be kept to yourself unless you want to go mad
7) Rations, over eating is bad for you anyway and now is not the best time for comfort eating - even if it feels like it is
8) Carbs are good now, but so's fruit and veg, don't skimp on the greens as you'll need to regenerate your cells. Also scurvy doesn't sound like much fun.
9) Keep a diary, if you die then you'll have a legacy, something to leave behind - also somewhere that you can vent
10) Music, if you get to somewhere where you are completely safe then music is brilliant for taking your mind off things, especially when combined with friends and maybe alcohol
11) Alcohol should only be consumed in the case of extreme pain or safety with appointed sober people
12) Washing - now isn't the time for water dodging, you need to stay sanitary in case you sustain an injury and if you get any sort of blood, zombie or human on you, get that shit off as soon as you can 
13) Comply with traditions, Christmas, Easter and other holidays wont be the same but everyone loves them and they will at least give your days some direction
14) Be picky, make sure everything you eat is very sanitary 
15) Talking of sanitary... sorry girls but you will still get your periods
16) Shed the crap, don't carry around anything that can't help save your life
17) Play games, anything to take your mind off your day and how awful that was
18) Re-evaluate what's important in your life, if you're going to loose all your friends, worldly possessions and family you really should get something out of this 
19) Don't get pregnant, for God's (and your own) sake! If you're a huge ho and you know you are take some condoms with you on your travels
20) Treats, get yourself little treats as you go, nick a Pandora bracelet if it takes your fancy - not like the store owner will care, he'll be long dead or a zombie
21) Cars, I'm sure you can work out how to drive if you haven't already got a license, you wont need one in the apocalypse will you? This IS a good way to get around, safe, fast, takes little energy. 

So bare these things in mind as it approaches the 21st and stay safe if the zombies do come. Which they will. I'm right. 

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Guns

 Why in a Zombie Apocalypse you should avoid using a gun at all costs


It's actually a simple one when you think about it. At first it seems that the best thing to use, whip out your huge machine gun and do unto them as they did at the Somme. This may be great in the first instances of break out, but you know that it'll only gain the attention of other mindless cannibals. If you're in a quiet wood, for example, and a zombie starts coming at you, shoot it and the sound will attract all of the zombies in a considerably large radius.

I'm not saying that they're not good things to have, if you're stick in the middle of a number of zombies and you can't easily get away then they're one of the best things you could have.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Don't believe everything you read.

So for my birthday Will got me some Zombie related books, he clearly knows me well.
BUT it's also clear he doesn't know much about real and fake Zombies. The two books he got me were 'How to Train Your Zombie' and 'Zombies for Zombies'. Here are my reviews:

How to Train Your Zombie
Firstly this book smelt really good (on the inside). Set in the aftermath of the invasion, it has a very good storyline which only has one flaw which I will touch on later, it's enjoyable to read, funny in places, sad in places, what you'd want in a book. It's also an easy bed-time read which is great for me. The flaw in the story is that there is no way you can train a zombie, just NOT going to happen. The brain has a virus infecting it that will make it return to carnal instincts, it will not have the capacity to learn (even though the book tries to convince us that it is scientifically possible, it just isn't. I said it so it's true.) It has a good ending though. I'd say this book is good for if you want a light read, not to prepare you. If you want to borrow it though you are more than welcome.

Zombies for Zombies
Also a very good smelling book. I think the guy who wrote it though, is a dick-head. Firstly it's about how to train yourself after being bitten to be a 'nice zombie', it talks about somewhere where zombies live. Secondly the guy must be paranoid as fuck because most of the words in the whole book have the copyright logo next to them. GET OVER YOURSELF, your book isn't so good people are going to steel your words.

To conclude, if you're going to read a book about zombies it doesn't matter if it's flawed, as long as you can see the flaws.

Also thanks for my birthday presents Will :) (I'm still eating the chocolates, nomnomnom) <3

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Examiners are just preparing us for the Zombies

Many students around the country are currently in the midst of exams. Going through our minds everyday are 'Do they want to make us miserable?' 'Are they jealous that we're in the peak of our lives and they're past it?' 'Do they want to kill us?'. I believe that the last thing may be closest to the truth. I believe that exam boards are the ring leaders, creating an army of teen zombies ready to take over the world with.
First they break down our immune system with stress and then we're ready to be feasted on my zombies and be the carriers of the infection. Most of our bodies are young and fit (sort of) and therefore we'd make great zombies.
We'll be in an exam room, at the end of exams, immune systems down from stress, bodies knackered from fighting themselves away from the TV and sitting propped up at a desk for hours on end. Then they'll release just one zombie into the exam room and everyone will be too exhausted to be able to do anything about it and one by one everyone will become a zombie and these teams around the country will slowly take everyone down.
Apart from me. I wont be a zombie because I'm always put in a separate room... by myself, no examiner would bother putting a zombie in there and besides my examiners really get to know me, I might even consider them friends. Yesterday one knew that my Mum is a Primary School teacher and that I want to be a teacher. The only way they could know that is if they had me for GCSE and I told them. I feel a bit bad for not remembering who she was when she seemed to know a lot about me. In fact as soon as I walked into the Exams Suite she came up to me and said 'Jessica? You're in the office now because it's just us so they put us in the smallest room'. I felt a bit like I was going to be raped and she seemed rather happy to be in the small room with me. My point is here that this lady has my back and would never zombie me. So sucks to be you guys, just remember to be aware of your surroundings at all times. Even in exams. 

NUT UP OR SHUT UP <3

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Rat Zombies

This aint gonna happen. 'Zombie Virus on Mulberry St' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0473514/
When the zombies come the infection COULD be spread by vermin but it wont turn you into rats. No. That's just wrong.
Peace out <3

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

My Tumblr

I can't say this is extremely zombie-ish but knowing me, there will be appearances of our long-term enemies I'm sure. 
<3