How to Identify a Zombie

Hey children,

Hoping you haven’t run into any zombies recently, that would be unfortunate. So today I think it would be helpful if you were to learn what zombies are like, I’m pretty sure that you all have seen a zombie film, but now I’m going to be a nerd and list (from the top of my head – so if I make a mistake, I’m truly sorry) the characteristics of zombies from some zombie films

Shaun of the Dead

·         Considered to be started by GM crops but ruled out at the end

·         Zombie’s can’t run and are generally quite sedate

·         Zombie’s irises are white/grey

·         You become a zombie by being bitten

·         There is no immunity

·         Zombies eat flesh

ZombieLand

·         Contaminated gas station hot dog

·         Zombies can run and have fast reactions

·         Zombie’s irises are white/grey

·         You become a zombie by being bitten

·         There is no immunity

·         Zombies eat flesh

28 Days/Weeks Later

·         Zombies can run and have reasonably fast reactions

·         Zombie’s irises are red

·         You become a zombie by being bitten or through sharing saliva

·         There are some people who are immune to the virus (in the same family)

·         Zombies eat flesh

The Crazies (Not technically zombies)

·         ‘Zombies’ can run, but tend not to

·         ‘Zombie’s’ eyes go green

·         You become a ‘zombie’ by catching an waterborne virus

·         Immunity is not specifically recognised

·         ‘Zombies’ don’t eat people, they just kill them

Dead Set

·         Zombies can run and have reasonably fast reactions

·         Zombie’s irises are white/grey

·         You become a zombie by being bitten

·         There is no immunity

·         Zombies eat flesh

·         Disabled people who becomes zombies are just disabled zombies

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

·         Zombies can run and have reasonably fast reactions

·         Zombie’s eyes change

·         You become a zombie by being bitten

·         There is no immunity

·         Zombies eat flesh

·         When a pregnant woman is bitten the baby is born a zombie

If these are wrong then I am very sorry but I’m dyslexic so what are you going to do about it?

Although now you have this information, what are you going to do about it? Well I don’t know what the zombies are going to look like but being me, I think I have a pretty good idea. So here are my pointers of what to look out for:

·         Changed eye

·         Speech replaced with groans

·         Flesh wounds

·         Animal like instincts and behaviour

·         Hunger for flesh

·         Pale skin

·         Inability to walk

Very basic ways to defeat a zombie:

·         Chop off the head

·         Shoot in it in brain

·         Impale it’s head on a sharp object

·         Hit it over the head with a blunt object

I hope I’ve helped you and if I’ve raised any questions feel free to ask :)

Remember my children – Nut up or Shut up <3 

Knowing What to and What Not to Eat & Drink

Evening Minions,

Hoping you’re all okay, by okay I mean human... Obviously, anything other than that (a.k.a zombie)... that’s not okay. If you’re a vampire, werewolf or fairy that’s not okay, because they don’t exist. Obviously. Now children, I hope you’ve been eating well and healthily, unlike me. I like Maccy Ds too much... (In case anyone ever wants to buy me some, Large Chicken Legend Meal please, with coke)  Anyway, this advice-filled-article is about what to and what not to eat and drink, in the case of an apocalypse – obviously, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. (I am.)

Here is a list of foods you can eat:

·         Canned/Tinned foods (because they last and probably where grown and tinned before the zombie outbreak)

·         Dried foods (because they last and probably where grown & dried before the zombie outbreak)

·         Fresh soup in cartons or plastic containers (for the similar reasons to above)

·         Cup-a-soup & Pot Noodle made with boiled water – boil it twice, then again. Be on the safe side. (Even though cup-a-soup and pot noodles are totally grim)

·         Ice cream

·         Chocolate bars

·         Chocolate/banana/strawberry milk powder (and the milk but that won’t be around for long, you might even want to avoid milk because it could have been one of the ways which the virus spread, but I live on milk so I think I’ll risk it)

·         Home grown fruit & vegetables (instructions and precautions for this are coming soon)

·         Homemade bread

·         Dried pasta & rice

Here is a list of drinks you can... drink:

·         Water (bottled or distilled, preferably distilled – but the process isn’t easy at all)

·          Anything bottled or canned, especially energy drinks but not alcohol (you may want to have some fun or forget the zombies but when you’re drunk and everything seems like a good idea you’ll probably go for a stroll and get eaten) but old wine is good because of being bottled before the apocalypse so won’t be infected with the virus

·         Rain water – if you want to, maybe as a last resort

Here’s a list of things you should not eat or drink:

·         BLOOD, unless you’re a zombie then go ahead, you want some liquid with your rotting flesh.

·         Human flesh, unless you’re a zombie again. SCUMBAGS.

·         Water from a river, lake or reservoir unless you’ve distilled it, there could be a zombie floating upstream, leaking it’s blood into the water you’re drinking because you know what would happen? You’d become a zombie. Or if the virus was in the water, you’d become a zombie. Or you could get something else that would make you generally ill and less able to fight off the zombies competing for your flesh.

·         Fresh fruit and vegetables from a shop or someone else’s garden because if the virus was in the water there’s a good chance it’ll be in those fruit and vegetables. Jus’ sayin’.

Literally Zomnomnom.

So, that’s all from me today but if the zombies come before I next post, good like and don’t forget: Nut up or Shut up <3

Making your Zombie Plan

Morning my Minions,
Are you okay? I’ve noticed the zombies haven’t come yet, good times. More time to train you up my lovelies *creepy smile* Now children, do you have your zombie plan? Because if not, then why are you relaxing when any second there you could be a break out of the most serious and fast spreading virus/disease ever? God... The Zombie Virus. So here are some pointers for starting the most important and vital escape plan you'll ever make in your life:

1. Consider the location at which you spend most of your time, this will be the starting place of your plan (If there are a few places, make a few plans. You can never be too prepared.)

2. Consider where you want to go, where would be the safest place for you to stay until ‘this all blows over’? And I’m not talking about ‘The Winchester’ [Shaun of the Dead] (so places like secure houses, maybe schools or even shops because they’ll have food, which leads nicely onto...) this is your 'safe place'. 

3. Consider where you’ll get your food, pop to a local shop – casually raid it, people next door are zombies wandering down the road? Pop into their house - casually raid it. You get what I'm saying.

4. Consider what you’ll eat and more importantly what you won’t eat (for example – drinking water from anything but a bottle is a big no because the water could be contaminated by zombie blood, the same goes for fresh fruit and vegetables because it could have been grown using the contaminated water)

5. Consider how you’re going to get to your safe place (if you’ll be moving) and how you’ll protect yourself from the zombies and, no one ever thinks about this, the people who’ll want to kill you for your food, weapons and your safe place, because those people will exist.

6. Consider who’s coming with you to your safe place, remember this is life or death so sure thing take your family but come on – how is your hamster going to help? He’s not so stock him up with all the food you have in his cage and hide him, maybe soon you can come back for him. Dogs on the other hand may be helpful, if they’re big, or could keep up the moral in the safe place, cute. But if your little sister's become a zombie, don't take her for God's sake.

Zomnomnom


7. Consider how you are going to stay safe in your safe place – barricading doors and windows, not letting people in, quarantines etc. You need to also consider rationing food, so that you can leave it longer between trips to the shops for some more casual raiding and so that everyone gets equal food (although I hate to say it but men may need more than women, because they’re fatties ;))

8. Zombie Playlist – set up your zombie playlist, do it, do it now, get all the songs together which would be right for setting the mood for fighting zombies, make a playlist and put it on your iPod. When it comes to it, a bit of fighting will be improved by some fighting songs

9. Distractions. You’ll need to distract yourself so plan what films and music you’ll take with you to your safe place and put them somewhere where you can just grab them and run. You might be thinking ‘Jessie, don’t be so stupid’ but actually if all you can hear is zombies you’re not going to find it easy to get to sleep, also you won’t have a job and you won’t want to spend all your time cooking, growing food, fighting zombies, making escape plans and repopulating the earth... (well I can’t speak for everyone on account of the last point ;))

10. Clothes. In an apocalypse fashion isn’t of upmost importance but if it’s going to keep up your moral then obviously you should takes some clothes, you will be getting bloody and you will want to change. Also be ready for all weathers, fluffy jumper, rain coat, vest top, etc. But remember, the more clothes you wear, the less flesh target there is for zombies to see and want to go for, if that’s the way they roll, we’ll have to wait and see.

So my minions, I think it’s time you got going with writing your plan. GO NOW.
And if the zombies come before I have the chance to post again, remember – Nut up or shut up. <3

The First of Many - The Introduction.

Dear Minions,
How's your life? I bet it's good, because you're innocent. A little innocent child. You're probably hanging out, in your house, reading a blog, maybe on Facebook... Youtube... procrastinating from some homework or housework..? If you're anything like me then that's what you're doing. But have you considered that there could be an apocalypse on it's way? If you have, then good on you, if not - pull yourself together lad. All I'm saying is, nothing's impossible and if my calculations are correct... the zombies are on their way and if you don't believe me - you'll be the first to go, sorry but I'm just trying to protect your brains and if you have any, you'll start to consider what you'll do when the dead start to walk.
Much love,
Your glorious leader.
P.S. I'll leave you with an image of our worst enemies, start hatin' children.

(Hell yeah it's Shaun of the Dead)