Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Making your Zombie Plan

Morning my Minions,
Are you okay? I’ve noticed the zombies haven’t come yet, good times. More time to train you up my lovelies *creepy smile* Now children, do you have your zombie plan? Because if not, then why are you relaxing when any second there you could be a break out of the most serious and fast spreading virus/disease ever? God... The Zombie Virus. So here are some pointers for starting the most important and vital escape plan you'll ever make in your life:

1. Consider the location at which you spend most of your time, this will be the starting place of your plan (If there are a few places, make a few plans. You can never be too prepared.)

2. Consider where you want to go, where would be the safest place for you to stay until ‘this all blows over’? And I’m not talking about ‘The Winchester’ [Shaun of the Dead] (so places like secure houses, maybe schools or even shops because they’ll have food, which leads nicely onto...) this is your 'safe place'. 

3. Consider where you’ll get your food, pop to a local shop – casually raid it, people next door are zombies wandering down the road? Pop into their house - casually raid it. You get what I'm saying.

4. Consider what you’ll eat and more importantly what you won’t eat (for example – drinking water from anything but a bottle is a big no because the water could be contaminated by zombie blood, the same goes for fresh fruit and vegetables because it could have been grown using the contaminated water)

5. Consider how you’re going to get to your safe place (if you’ll be moving) and how you’ll protect yourself from the zombies and, no one ever thinks about this, the people who’ll want to kill you for your food, weapons and your safe place, because those people will exist.

6. Consider who’s coming with you to your safe place, remember this is life or death so sure thing take your family but come on – how is your hamster going to help? He’s not so stock him up with all the food you have in his cage and hide him, maybe soon you can come back for him. Dogs on the other hand may be helpful, if they’re big, or could keep up the moral in the safe place, cute. But if your little sister's become a zombie, don't take her for God's sake.

Zomnomnom


7. Consider how you are going to stay safe in your safe place – barricading doors and windows, not letting people in, quarantines etc. You need to also consider rationing food, so that you can leave it longer between trips to the shops for some more casual raiding and so that everyone gets equal food (although I hate to say it but men may need more than women, because they’re fatties ;))

8. Zombie Playlist – set up your zombie playlist, do it, do it now, get all the songs together which would be right for setting the mood for fighting zombies, make a playlist and put it on your iPod. When it comes to it, a bit of fighting will be improved by some fighting songs

9. Distractions. You’ll need to distract yourself so plan what films and music you’ll take with you to your safe place and put them somewhere where you can just grab them and run. You might be thinking ‘Jessie, don’t be so stupid’ but actually if all you can hear is zombies you’re not going to find it easy to get to sleep, also you won’t have a job and you won’t want to spend all your time cooking, growing food, fighting zombies, making escape plans and repopulating the earth... (well I can’t speak for everyone on account of the last point ;))

10. Clothes. In an apocalypse fashion isn’t of upmost importance but if it’s going to keep up your moral then obviously you should takes some clothes, you will be getting bloody and you will want to change. Also be ready for all weathers, fluffy jumper, rain coat, vest top, etc. But remember, the more clothes you wear, the less flesh target there is for zombies to see and want to go for, if that’s the way they roll, we’ll have to wait and see.

So my minions, I think it’s time you got going with writing your plan. GO NOW.
And if the zombies come before I have the chance to post again, remember – Nut up or shut up. <3

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