Christmas Zombies

Christmas Time, Zombies & Wine,
Children screaming, don't worry they'll be fine,
That can run fast,
You & I can't,
Time to rejoice before they eat our brains.

Nut Up or Shut Up, even at Christmas Time <3

Where can I run?

There's a zombie coming after you, he's a large male zombie and he's got a hunger for your flesh. He's running unrelentingly forwards, towards you, and despite constantly tripping and stumbling he's starting to catch up with you.
Where are you going to take shelter?
Oh it's okay, you're in your road, running towards your house. You go to whip out your keys but they're in a zipped up pocket in your bag, you reach your door and fumble around in your bag for your keys, the zombie quickly growing closer. You manage to pull out your keys and you go to open your door but then you realise that you can't tell the difference between the masses of keys on your key ring and just as you go to test the forth key, you get eaten.

I'm talking about the simple but vital details of preparation, speedy entering your house and stuff.
Also having key-toppers. Thanks Sarah(:
NUT UP OR SHUT UP <3

How to throw a Zombie Preperation Party

I've attempted to throw two zombie preparation parties in my time, one went slightly better than the other.
1) Host it yourself, don't ask your friend to no matter so epic they are because no one will believe it's really your party and therefore they wont listen to you and they wont take it seriously. Because these preparations are SERIOUS.
2) Don't get your zombie films from Blockbusters or you wont be able to watch them without interruptions
3) If Sarah invites herself try to stop her coming, she will get bored and then distract EVERYONE and no one will pay attention to your rules and endless ranting
4) Get Zombie related food like jam (blood & guts)
5) Have jurisdiction over your friends so that they don't all go as the same thing as you to the party (a.k.a the zombie hunter)
6) Throw it at your house so that your friend who throws it for you isn't responsible for it and doesn't feel guilty.


This post is dedicated to Ying-Wei Lai, thank you for attempting to throw it for me and don't feel guilty that it didn't work out. We all love you!

Don't forget that with every party you throw, it's best to just Nut Up or Shut Up <3

Not Everyone is Prepared...

So today when I was in the common room and should-have-been-doing-English-Language-Coursework-but-was-having-a-bad-day-and-felt-depressed so I had a chat with Shawn about zombies, we were getting really passionate about how we'd survive. Amy&Lotti (who were sitting near us and couldn't help but hear us) joined in the conversation but where really rather uninformed, this worries me. Tell your friends children. They need the help.
Here are some more pointers:

• In the event of an apocalypse listen to the radio and watch TV if they're still working because they may be able to offer help and inform you of safe ways to travel, safe locations, food rations etc.
• Don't bother trying to get the help of public services (e.g. emergency services) unless instructed to do so by the TV, Radio or 999 
• If you have access to a boat or even better, cruise liner, take it! Zombie's can't swim so you'll be safe at sea and if you find an island uninhabited by zombies with a food and fresh water source, even better!

Also, the reason why zombies wont be coming out of the ground and graves is because zombies can only be infected when they are living, the virus is carried around the body by the pumping blood and then the person will die and come back as a zombie. Dead people who died of natural causes / being shot in the brain cannot then be infected. Get it right.

Nut Up or Shut Up guy'th <3

Weapons

Soooo...

How are you finding the lead up to the apocalypse? Tense? Yeah, me too. So today I thought I’ll tell you about what to, and what not to use as a weapon, and I mean household objects, not proper weapons – because as much as we don’t want to face up to the fact that we won’t have any guns or anything.

So here is a list of things that you can use:

·         Cricket bat (dah – in fact, you should keep one near your bed, if there’s something you need to learn from me it’s that you never know when the zombies are coming)

·         Marble chopping boards (I know it sounds stupid but I have one and I’m thinking it could be really helpful to bash a zombie over the head with)

·         Any sort of walking stick or wooden post

·         Blunt objects, if you were really desperate and you were just in your house anything could work with enough force, chairs, lamps, vases, picture frames, fat old books, computer monitors – i think you get my point

Here’s a list of weapons to avoid trying to use:

·         Knives (it’s very close contact and by the time you drive it through their skull you’ll probably have been bitten)

·         Soft stuff (that’s not going to kill a zombie)

So I was also thinking, what would you do if you were on a train and the zombies come? I have to say I’ve thought about this many many times, because when you’re on a train and it stops randomly (not at a station) it feels to me like they’re letting on the zombies or that the train has been stopped because the train driver has been turned into a zombie and can’t drive anymore (zombies can’t drive trains) or if someone looks really ill on the train and then you’re like ‘OMG they’re going to turn’.  Well have you thought about what you’d use to fight them off? How you’d get off the train? There aren’t many available weapons on a train because they have health and safety regulations, if they bins are loose you might be able to use them to block the zombies but it wouldn’t kill them. So you may have to consider what you have on your person.

When I was younger I used to carry around a Nutella jar in the winter because when I walked home from the bus stop it was dark and I was scared of rapists, I knew that I could hit them round the head with the heavy jar if I needed to. (Also I was a bit of a fatty and I used to eat the Nutella out of the jar, I then got bored of Nutella and moved onto Gale’s Lemon Curd and eventually stopped because they changed the recipe and it wasn’t very nice anymore.)

Something like this might be helpful in the apocalypse but I understand that carrying around Nutella isn’t always practical, so consider what you carry round every day. My laptop has a battery which I can easily remove  and use to whack a zombie’s head with, it’s not ideal because it’s fairly light but it’s quite blunt and so will be good as a short term weapon until I find something better.

Consider what you carry around with you every day, have you got something that you could use? Is there something that you could easily replace with something heavier or blunter that use could use to fight zombies? Just something to think about.

No I’m not going too far! How dare you think that...

Until next time my beauties and don’t forget, Nut Up or Shut Up <3

My Review and Analysis of the 2008 remake of 'Day of the Dead' (contains minor spoilers)

So Ellie lent me her DVD copy of the 2008 film 'Day of the Dead' which is a remake of the classic by George A Romero ' a.k.a the Godfather of all Zombies', as part of the 'living dead' series. I have also seen the original but the story lines are very different and the characteristics of the zombies are also quite different, but I will go on to explain that later.

Let me just explain more about George A Romero's films and the remakes:
In 1968 Romero created the first film in his 'living dead' series 'Night of the Living Dead' which was co-written by Romero and John. A Russo, after a dissagreement in when the sequels should head the pair split and Russo went on to write books which were later adapted to films but the films where never quite as popular as Romero's 'living dead' series. In 1978 Romero created the film 'Dawn of the Dead' on a budget of just $500,000 but it earned over $55 million, because of it's popularity Romero went on to make 'Day of the Dead' in 1985, 'Land of the Dead' in 2005, 'Diary of the Dead' in 2007 and 'Survival of the Dead' in 2010.
Something that seems strange to me was that while Romero was still making films in his 'living dead' series, remakes of the earlier films where being made, probably because of how popular they where and also the way that they revolutionised Zombie films. Although in 'Night of the Living Dead' Romero never referred to the living dead as zombies he was the first to make Zombies something other than a strange voodoo belief (I think anyway). So the remakes are:
'Night of the Living Dead' in 1990 directed by Tom Savini, 'Dawn of the Dead' in 2004 directed by Zack Snyder, 'Day of the Dead' in 2008 directed by Steve Miner. We are still awaiting the remakes for the other three.

So after having seen the 2008 remake of 'Day of the Dead' I have a few questions and criticisms but I'll start by listing some characteristics of the Zombies:
- They can run
- When people turn their flesh mysteriously changes to green and their skin peels in a strange pattern of circles
- Eyes glaze over to white
- When they come in contact with fire they 'melt' and their heads explode
- They retain some characteristics of the person they where before they turned e.g. a mother recognises her son's voice, a vegetarian becomes a tame zombie and takes commands, he also seems still attracted to the woman which he was attracted to before he turned and he works with the living to fight the dead.
- The virus starts of as air borne, some people are immune to it, but as soon as they are bitten they turn as well
- The virus was created by scientists working for the army who wanted a virus to temporarily paralyse enemy troops so they could take them captive instead of killing them, this virus mutated to create the zombie virus

These are interesting characteristics, in Zombie Land (you probably don't need to be told that this is my absolute favourite Zombie film) zombies that catch on fire just carry on running so I was surprised that the zombies in 'Day of the Dead' were able to be defeated by fire. I wasn't expecting the zombies to be green skinned because I believe that they'd turn pale but not green, but I was more surprised by the fact that their skin looks like they've been injured as soon as they turn.

The man in the photo above hasn't been attacked, his bite wound was on his hand yet these sores just turned up on his face as soon as he turned. This seems strange to me because I think Zombies' eyes would change to white (as they do in the film) but I think the skin would just turn pale (because they're dead so there is no blood pumping through their bodies) but the wouldn't turn green at first (they may a few days/weeks after turning because their bodies are decomposing) and I don't think they'd have these sores just from turning.

In the original 'Day of the Dead' the zombies also turn a pale green colour, but they don't have the sores. The story line is very different and although it's not the type of Zombies which I believe will curse us with their apocalypse and end up eating our brains, it is a classic film and any true zombie film addict should have seen at least one (if not all, which is my aim) of the George A. Romero originals from the 'living dead' series.
A similarity between the films are that 'Bub' in the original (shown below) is tamed by a scientist and taught to listen to music and use a phone, eventually he uses a gun on someone. 'Bud' (above) is tame and follows commands given by his superior officers (possibly because he was in the army before the apocalypse and recognises these people as authority figures), a reason that some of the living characters give is that 1) he was a vegetarian and 2) he fancied Sarah (a fellow army member). I think the idea of being able to tame zombies seems appealing but don't count on it children, I think there's a very very small chance that we'd be able to tame a zombie in the apocalypse that we're about to experience and so if your mother/father/brother/boyfriend/friend/neighbour-that-gave-you-sweets-as-a-child do turn, don't try and keep them, they'll only eat your brains. 

I hope this hasn't been too long and boring and that you've picked up on the lesson of this (don't keep zombies no matter what you see in films, although we can take tips from films we have to decide what we believe to be true about zombies).
Until next time my friends, sit tight but be ready, the zombies are coming and don't forget Nut up or shut up <3

My Friends are all Zombies

Hey ya'll.
It was Halloween recently so I felt like doing a bit of (not so) crazy photo editing. Some of my friends volunteered to be the victims of a sort of basic transformation from general retards to zombies. Kidding I love all you guys (except Tabs, it's self centred to love yourself, Tabs & I are the same person) here they are:

Yeah, I know that zombies would have more blood and that the last photo (the one of me) is TOTALLY unrealistic because the last thing on a Zombie's mind would be taking a photo of it's self, secondly I don't think that a pair of glasses would stay on a zombie for long, but the lack of blood is due to the fact that the photo editing software I site used is pretty basic (www.picnik.com) and I was mainly focusing on the fact that zombies' eyes glaze over and their skin goes pale. 

Don't forget to Nut Up or Shut Up <3

How to Identify a Zombie

Hey children,

Hoping you haven’t run into any zombies recently, that would be unfortunate. So today I think it would be helpful if you were to learn what zombies are like, I’m pretty sure that you all have seen a zombie film, but now I’m going to be a nerd and list (from the top of my head – so if I make a mistake, I’m truly sorry) the characteristics of zombies from some zombie films

Shaun of the Dead

·         Considered to be started by GM crops but ruled out at the end

·         Zombie’s can’t run and are generally quite sedate

·         Zombie’s irises are white/grey

·         You become a zombie by being bitten

·         There is no immunity

·         Zombies eat flesh

ZombieLand

·         Contaminated gas station hot dog

·         Zombies can run and have fast reactions

·         Zombie’s irises are white/grey

·         You become a zombie by being bitten

·         There is no immunity

·         Zombies eat flesh

28 Days/Weeks Later

·         Zombies can run and have reasonably fast reactions

·         Zombie’s irises are red

·         You become a zombie by being bitten or through sharing saliva

·         There are some people who are immune to the virus (in the same family)

·         Zombies eat flesh

The Crazies (Not technically zombies)

·         ‘Zombies’ can run, but tend not to

·         ‘Zombie’s’ eyes go green

·         You become a ‘zombie’ by catching an waterborne virus

·         Immunity is not specifically recognised

·         ‘Zombies’ don’t eat people, they just kill them

Dead Set

·         Zombies can run and have reasonably fast reactions

·         Zombie’s irises are white/grey

·         You become a zombie by being bitten

·         There is no immunity

·         Zombies eat flesh

·         Disabled people who becomes zombies are just disabled zombies

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

·         Zombies can run and have reasonably fast reactions

·         Zombie’s eyes change

·         You become a zombie by being bitten

·         There is no immunity

·         Zombies eat flesh

·         When a pregnant woman is bitten the baby is born a zombie

If these are wrong then I am very sorry but I’m dyslexic so what are you going to do about it?

Although now you have this information, what are you going to do about it? Well I don’t know what the zombies are going to look like but being me, I think I have a pretty good idea. So here are my pointers of what to look out for:

·         Changed eye

·         Speech replaced with groans

·         Flesh wounds

·         Animal like instincts and behaviour

·         Hunger for flesh

·         Pale skin

·         Inability to walk

Very basic ways to defeat a zombie:

·         Chop off the head

·         Shoot in it in brain

·         Impale it’s head on a sharp object

·         Hit it over the head with a blunt object

I hope I’ve helped you and if I’ve raised any questions feel free to ask :)

Remember my children – Nut up or Shut up <3 

Knowing What to and What Not to Eat & Drink

Evening Minions,

Hoping you’re all okay, by okay I mean human... Obviously, anything other than that (a.k.a zombie)... that’s not okay. If you’re a vampire, werewolf or fairy that’s not okay, because they don’t exist. Obviously. Now children, I hope you’ve been eating well and healthily, unlike me. I like Maccy Ds too much... (In case anyone ever wants to buy me some, Large Chicken Legend Meal please, with coke)  Anyway, this advice-filled-article is about what to and what not to eat and drink, in the case of an apocalypse – obviously, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. (I am.)

Here is a list of foods you can eat:

·         Canned/Tinned foods (because they last and probably where grown and tinned before the zombie outbreak)

·         Dried foods (because they last and probably where grown & dried before the zombie outbreak)

·         Fresh soup in cartons or plastic containers (for the similar reasons to above)

·         Cup-a-soup & Pot Noodle made with boiled water – boil it twice, then again. Be on the safe side. (Even though cup-a-soup and pot noodles are totally grim)

·         Ice cream

·         Chocolate bars

·         Chocolate/banana/strawberry milk powder (and the milk but that won’t be around for long, you might even want to avoid milk because it could have been one of the ways which the virus spread, but I live on milk so I think I’ll risk it)

·         Home grown fruit & vegetables (instructions and precautions for this are coming soon)

·         Homemade bread

·         Dried pasta & rice

Here is a list of drinks you can... drink:

·         Water (bottled or distilled, preferably distilled – but the process isn’t easy at all)

·          Anything bottled or canned, especially energy drinks but not alcohol (you may want to have some fun or forget the zombies but when you’re drunk and everything seems like a good idea you’ll probably go for a stroll and get eaten) but old wine is good because of being bottled before the apocalypse so won’t be infected with the virus

·         Rain water – if you want to, maybe as a last resort

Here’s a list of things you should not eat or drink:

·         BLOOD, unless you’re a zombie then go ahead, you want some liquid with your rotting flesh.

·         Human flesh, unless you’re a zombie again. SCUMBAGS.

·         Water from a river, lake or reservoir unless you’ve distilled it, there could be a zombie floating upstream, leaking it’s blood into the water you’re drinking because you know what would happen? You’d become a zombie. Or if the virus was in the water, you’d become a zombie. Or you could get something else that would make you generally ill and less able to fight off the zombies competing for your flesh.

·         Fresh fruit and vegetables from a shop or someone else’s garden because if the virus was in the water there’s a good chance it’ll be in those fruit and vegetables. Jus’ sayin’.

Literally Zomnomnom.

So, that’s all from me today but if the zombies come before I next post, good like and don’t forget: Nut up or Shut up <3

Making your Zombie Plan

Morning my Minions,
Are you okay? I’ve noticed the zombies haven’t come yet, good times. More time to train you up my lovelies *creepy smile* Now children, do you have your zombie plan? Because if not, then why are you relaxing when any second there you could be a break out of the most serious and fast spreading virus/disease ever? God... The Zombie Virus. So here are some pointers for starting the most important and vital escape plan you'll ever make in your life:

1. Consider the location at which you spend most of your time, this will be the starting place of your plan (If there are a few places, make a few plans. You can never be too prepared.)

2. Consider where you want to go, where would be the safest place for you to stay until ‘this all blows over’? And I’m not talking about ‘The Winchester’ [Shaun of the Dead] (so places like secure houses, maybe schools or even shops because they’ll have food, which leads nicely onto...) this is your 'safe place'. 

3. Consider where you’ll get your food, pop to a local shop – casually raid it, people next door are zombies wandering down the road? Pop into their house - casually raid it. You get what I'm saying.

4. Consider what you’ll eat and more importantly what you won’t eat (for example – drinking water from anything but a bottle is a big no because the water could be contaminated by zombie blood, the same goes for fresh fruit and vegetables because it could have been grown using the contaminated water)

5. Consider how you’re going to get to your safe place (if you’ll be moving) and how you’ll protect yourself from the zombies and, no one ever thinks about this, the people who’ll want to kill you for your food, weapons and your safe place, because those people will exist.

6. Consider who’s coming with you to your safe place, remember this is life or death so sure thing take your family but come on – how is your hamster going to help? He’s not so stock him up with all the food you have in his cage and hide him, maybe soon you can come back for him. Dogs on the other hand may be helpful, if they’re big, or could keep up the moral in the safe place, cute. But if your little sister's become a zombie, don't take her for God's sake.

Zomnomnom


7. Consider how you are going to stay safe in your safe place – barricading doors and windows, not letting people in, quarantines etc. You need to also consider rationing food, so that you can leave it longer between trips to the shops for some more casual raiding and so that everyone gets equal food (although I hate to say it but men may need more than women, because they’re fatties ;))

8. Zombie Playlist – set up your zombie playlist, do it, do it now, get all the songs together which would be right for setting the mood for fighting zombies, make a playlist and put it on your iPod. When it comes to it, a bit of fighting will be improved by some fighting songs

9. Distractions. You’ll need to distract yourself so plan what films and music you’ll take with you to your safe place and put them somewhere where you can just grab them and run. You might be thinking ‘Jessie, don’t be so stupid’ but actually if all you can hear is zombies you’re not going to find it easy to get to sleep, also you won’t have a job and you won’t want to spend all your time cooking, growing food, fighting zombies, making escape plans and repopulating the earth... (well I can’t speak for everyone on account of the last point ;))

10. Clothes. In an apocalypse fashion isn’t of upmost importance but if it’s going to keep up your moral then obviously you should takes some clothes, you will be getting bloody and you will want to change. Also be ready for all weathers, fluffy jumper, rain coat, vest top, etc. But remember, the more clothes you wear, the less flesh target there is for zombies to see and want to go for, if that’s the way they roll, we’ll have to wait and see.

So my minions, I think it’s time you got going with writing your plan. GO NOW.
And if the zombies come before I have the chance to post again, remember – Nut up or shut up. <3

The First of Many - The Introduction.

Dear Minions,
How's your life? I bet it's good, because you're innocent. A little innocent child. You're probably hanging out, in your house, reading a blog, maybe on Facebook... Youtube... procrastinating from some homework or housework..? If you're anything like me then that's what you're doing. But have you considered that there could be an apocalypse on it's way? If you have, then good on you, if not - pull yourself together lad. All I'm saying is, nothing's impossible and if my calculations are correct... the zombies are on their way and if you don't believe me - you'll be the first to go, sorry but I'm just trying to protect your brains and if you have any, you'll start to consider what you'll do when the dead start to walk.
Much love,
Your glorious leader.
P.S. I'll leave you with an image of our worst enemies, start hatin' children.

(Hell yeah it's Shaun of the Dead)